The call that changed everything was one year ago today…it still seems surreal.

Before I get to the call, when I was in Texas, I heard a song on satellite radio that really stuck with me.  It crept into my soul.  I remember sitting in the car crying and beating the steering wheel and just thinking how profound this song (that I had never heard before) was to me at that very moment.  The artist sounded familiar but I couldn’t place it. I googled the lyrics that I could remember but I couldn’t find the song.  I kept waiting to hear the song again and I never did.  Not until January 10^th 2014. The one year anniversary of their death.  The song wasn’t released until December, but I had  heard a live version on the lounge satellite station.

The call..
I had a voicemail from a sheriff in Texas asking me to return the call.  I hadn’t answered the phone because it was a Texas number and thought it might be my dad (more on that later).

This is Stacie Youngblood returning your call.
Are you related to Charles Youngblood? (relief…they had the wrong person yet I know he is often mistaken for a Charles so I know I am grasping)
No, my dad is Chuck.
Is he married to Cathy? (This is going to be bad, really bad)
Yes.
There is no other way to tell you this other than to just say it. Both Chuck and Cathy Youngblood were murdered, shot to death in their home.
What?  Are you serious?  Is this a joke (I had returned the call to a cell phone so for an instant I thought Darrell was pulling something on me)
Yes, I am sorry to tell you this is not a joke.  We have the suspect in custody and he has confessed to killing them both 5 days ago.  His name is Darrell Parker. (Cathy’s son)
I am in shock but not surprised.
The sheriff asked me to repeat that.

I then asked the sheriff if I could call him or someone at the station so I would know this was not a sick joke.  It wasn’t a joke.

That night I drank two bottles of wine and took two ambien and still didn’t sleep a wink.  I had conversations that I can’t remember having at all.  I have learned so much over the last year and one thing I can say for certain is that you never know how you will respond in a tragedy.  You see in the news all the time about people not acting the way they are “suppose” to act.  I was numb and shocked, but I wasn’t angry-that would come later but not in the way I would have expected.  Within 24 hours of getting the call, I had notified Cathy’s family (more on those assholes later), made arrangements for travel to Texas, hired a crime scene clean up company, set up appointments with a few estate attorneys, arranged for both of their cremations, etc,etc. I was completely overwhelmed with the logistics and the expense of it all.

I have tried not to rewrite history- to make my dad something he wasn’t, to make our relationship something it wasn’t.  The truth is that I hadn’t spoken to my dad since November.  I regret that. He sent me an (completely out of left field) email that hurt my feelings and accused me of not loving Cathy enough and even worse, said that I was like my mother.  Pretty much the worse thing he could ever say to me. None of it was true but it was shocking he thought those things about me.  What I discovered after they were killed is that Cathy had stage 4 breast cancer and he was scared to death he was going to lose her.  He thought I should be there more for her- but they never told me.  They never told me! Why didn’t you tell me??

I loved my dad and as importantly (in my mind) I was grateful to him for all of the things he gave me (or saved me from).  My mom is a narrow-minded bigot that tore me down my entire life and shamed me for everything.  Sometimes when I get angry with Sennet, I will feel the sting of her hands on my face- slapping me as hard as she could. And how she would follow up the slap with a tongue lashing that was worse than the slap to the face.  I swear I will never be like her and (sometimes) I believe it- because my dad made me believe it.  My dad was never one to freely hand out compliments- but he always told both Kevin and I that we were doing a great job with Sennet.

What my dad gave me was an open mind.  He challenged me to think for myself. He said color didn’t matter (he shut me down real quick when I said the n word as a child- makes me sick to my stomach to think about it but that word was free flowing at my mom’s house). He taught me to be honest (I will never forget the trip to Kmart to return the lip gloss that I had stolen as an 8 year old). He taught me that if I wanted to be trusted, I must be trustworthy. He called me on my BS. He told me I did not have to be my mom- he said I could choose my legacy.

The truth is that we were not super close- but we weren’t far apart either. We didn’t talk everyday.  We didn’t even talk every week.  Once Sennet was born, we talked more and tried to skype once a month or so. We did have lots of really profound, deep talks about death, religion, the death penalty, poverty, etc etc.  I can say that I respected his world views even though he was perfectly content with living in a little town in Texas.

I am angry about a lot of the shitty things that happened after the murder. . I am angry I lost control of myself in 2013.  I drank too much, I ate too much, I gained too much weight- I let the darkness control me. I am mad my dad was so careless that he didn’t have a valid will.  I am furious with Cathy’s family for stealing nearly $300,000 that Cathy so clearly intended to go to my son. I am angry that the last thing Cathy saw before she died was her only son kill her husband of over 35 years and then know he was going to kill her too.  I am angry at the probate system and how it is really not set up to protect victims of violent crime.  I am angry that even though I haven’t had any real interaction with my mother in over 20 years that she could not find it in her soul to acknowledge my dad’s murder- it says more about her than I could ever say. I read a beautifully written (terrifying) article on the Huffington Post about the times you would like to have a mother. It shook me to the core because it is so true.  You wish you had a mother at your wedding, at the birth of your child, at your sons first birthday.  But not my mother.

I am so proud that my dad was someone I always wanted at these events.

But there were many blessings too.  My friends and coworkers (I won’t list them all here but will make an effort in the coming days to thank them in person)- who are my family- are so amazing.  Within 24 hours of the call, my office had collected $1200 to help with the unexpected expenses and they covered my business while I was out of town.  They supported me and listened to the countless twists and turns in the probate process. They are still listening.  Kevin and his family- there are no words for the gratitude I feel towards them.

I also feel fortunate to have influenced dozens of people to get wills or otherwise get their estate stuff buttoned up- it was really a blessing to have learned so much during the probate process so that I could encourage (aka pester) people to get their own shit together.

With my dad’s life insurance, we bought a small condo and we will use the income to offset private school.  I think my dad would be so pleased that he was helping with Sennet’s education.

Cathy had a life insurance policy that was set up properly and went to Sennet.  With that money we were able to max out a college savings plan and there is enough left over to set Sennet up with a good start in life.  We wish they were still here but are so grateful for the blessing of college savings they provided their grandson.

Most of all, I am grateful that Dad and Cathy went together. I think they would have wished it that way if they had a choice- so for that I am grateful.  I think it would have killed my dad to live without Cathy, especially under these circumstances.  This song pretty much sums it up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PtB5_eEpLs

In 2014, I am trying to take back control.  We’re eating better. Drinking less.  Trying to be more present.  Just trying to honor my dad.

The murder trial is currently set for January 27th.  I (think) I will be there.